Fear & Control

Drew and I met with our caseworker yesterday as part of our home-study. At the end of our time together, she challenged us to think about what it is we hoped for in this adoption, and what we feared. The "fear question" caught me off-guard. I didn't want to admit that I had fears; I wanted to live up to everyone's reactions when they find out we're adopting. We've heard that adoption is great, that it's a blessed thing, it's even referred to as noble. What we don't hear is that it can be scary and completely out of our control.

So when asked what my fears are, I had to stop and think. We each listed a couple practical hesitations: finances (turns out international adoption ain't cheap), having our patience tested, medical uncertainties, etc. When I got down to it, however, I realized that my greatest fear is that I am giving up control of our child's life before I even know who he or she is! We have zero say in what prenatal care the birth mother receives (if any) and no influence on this child's first couple months of life. To me, that is terrifying. As parents, we want to protect our children from day one; when I was pregnant with Graham I gave up my red wine for nine months, stayed away from smokey restaurants and bars, kept my eye on the "bad foods list" for pregnant women, and saw my doctor more times then I remember. All in all, I thought I was in control.

...and now here we are, passing our time filling out paper after paper, praying for that phone call from the other side of the world with news of a baby.

Yet the more I think about it, I realize that this is adding a new depth to what I know to be my faith. The day Graham started crawling, Drew and I put up a baby gate so that his curiosity didn't lead him to fall down the basement stairs. Yet I know that the gate won't protect him from the bruises he has yet to attain. We just do the best we can to keep them safe and trust that God will do a much better job.

I know that God's working something, and not just in us. He's working in that birth mother who has to face the reality that someone else will be raising her child. He works in the countless orphanages across the world where these babies find brief (or not so brief) homes as they wait for a permanent one. He works in this entire process.

Ultimately, we rely on the knowledge that God goes before us in this. That we relinquish control of all of our children to him, sometimes in more extreme ways than others.

Anyways, those are just a few thoughts I'm having today. Don't worry, I'm still thrilled to be going through this process. On the bright side I can drink all the wine and eat all of the fish I want over the next few months :)